A dirty little secret
cattyandcrazy A year ago today I was hospitalized for overdosing on prescription drugs. And it fucking sucked.
It sucked worse than anything has ever sucked before in my life. And I did it to myself.
There was nothing “accidental” about it. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to kill myself as I just didn’t want to live anymore. If that makes any sense.
After taking excessively large doses of drugs all day long, I knew I was in trouble. So, I drove myself to the emergency room. Yeah, you read that right, I drove. Not one of my smartest decisions ever.
I was so fucked up I wasn’t sure how I found the place or why I was still in one piece. As I parked my car I accidentally rubbed bumpers with the car in the next stall. Stoned much?
Once inside the emergency room, which I wouldn’t recognize at all if I saw it again today, I told someone in what I thought was nurses’ garb that I had taken scads of pills.
Most of my time in the ER is a big blank spot in my memory, but I do recall few interesting details (mainly because I thought they were so strange at the time).
At one point a nurse gave me this tiny little cup to pee in. I could not for the life of me get my pee into the damn thing.
Everything, including me, was moving and swirling and going dark, constantly. And I thought, “You people want me master the art of pee control??”
When I presented the nurse with the cup she commented, “You didn’t get very much in there.”
Yeah, NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I’m stoned halfway to HELL. Duh!
After a while the doc decided that so much of what I had taken was already in my blood stream that they wouldn’t pump my stomach. Instead, they had me drink a thick black charcoal concoction. It was as bad as it sounds. Fortunately I was so fucked up that it didn’t gag me like I thought it would.
Several hours later I was ready to be fully admitted to the hospital. One of the nurses got me up and said she would walk me to the proper place. I immediately began wobbling all over and nearly fell.
“Oh I guess we better get a wheelchair,” she said.
Shit woman, ya think?!? What on God’s green earth made you assume I could WALK?!?
Sure, it’s probably my own fault that the ER staff underestimated my condition, cuz I did DRIVE myself there and WALK in under my own power. I mean, it’s just crazy to think I might be impaired, right?
Well, I’m here to tell you, the whole thing was crazy. And shitty. And it got a whole lot more surreal as I spent the next three days locked in the Psych Ward. Yeah, that part. Not so funny.
Listen to me. . .don’t let this be your dirty little secret too. Get help before it comes to this.
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That is so heartbreaking! Sadly, I have been down that same path, just not by accident. But I survived and here to stay this time. lol
I’m glad you are still with us
my roommate did the very same, except he threw in some illegal drugs as well. He wrote it all down in his suicide note. It was purely by chance that I found him at the moment he went unconscious, or I wouldn’t have known and he would have surely died. He also spent three days in the psyche ward. I thought that incident would inspire some changes in his life, but it didn’t. Oddly enough, the thing that eventually gave him the kick in the pants to get his life together was when I told him I could no longer be his babysitter or his friend. I guess he relied on me so much to take care of him that he never thought to take care of himself. He found me online a couple years ago or so, and he’s now a linguist with UCLA, and teaches all over the world.
Wow. I hope things are better now.
Very ballsy of you to lay out the pain and reality of spiraling so far out of control. And that you can talk about it now in such a frank manner, I commend you for your honesty.
I could share with you about watching someone else do this to themselves, but most of it is better not left in a comment thread especially because it’s just starting down a positive path and I don’t want to jinx it (as if…) but if I had your email, I’d let you know privately exactly how hard I know this path “back’ to normalcy has been and why I know that and how proud I am!
Hi, sugar. Glad you are not on that path now. Been there done that. I always try to remember one thing.Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I look at some tough places I have been in and I am still here. Keep your chin up.
I adore you more every single post of yours I read. BTW, I’m glad you didn’t succeed. Very glad!
I’m so glad that you survived to tell the tale! I’m sure it can help others. Your honesty is amazing!!
I hope you are in a much better place now.
I’d like to give a big shout out and THANK YOU to Dirty Laundry Diva for allowing guest bloggers to submit posts to her site.
I’m so honored that she was gusty and kind enough to approve this post for publication here.
Yes, I’m the author of this post. Writing it was cathartic, but I wasn’t comfortable publishing it on my own site for fear that some of my offline acquaintances might use the information against me. There’s still a stigma to it.
Thank you all for your heartfelt comments. I am so appreciative that there are others here who understand the experience from one perspective or the other. Your kindness and well wishes mean so much to me. Thank you!
ok Chat Blanc come put your head in my lap and let me stroke your hair - you are a survivor DUDE!
Chat Blanc……..so glad you are still here. I really do know what you mean-not wanting to kill yourself, but not wanting to live anymore. It it a HUGE step to be able to admit this and get it out in public. Sometimes those thoughts can be scary when you feel nobody understands. You survived!! Yay for you!!!
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Another reason I’m thankful for Prozac…
Isn’t it crazy how clueless and businesslike those people are? You walk in f*cked up on pills and they act like you’re asking about getting your carpets cleaned or something.